Winston + Paul Simon DSC00371

The Other 45 Ways To Leave Your Lover

Winston + Paul Simon DSC00371
In the album and 45 version of his #1 hit “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” Paul Simon gives five ways to accomplish this:
Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Hop on the bus, Gus
Drop of the key, Lee.

Here are the other 45 ways, from the very rare extended mix of the song:
1. Get on a bike, Mike
2. Pull out in a truck, Buck
3. Run off with Didi Conn, John
4. Hijack a sled, Ted
5. Jump in front of a train, Cain
6. Throw yourself on a bomb, Tom
7. Jump off a cliff, Biff
8. Crash in a plane, Dane
9. Take the Staten Island Ferry, Jerry
10. Blast off in the space shuttle, Tuttle
11. Play reindeer games, James
12. Be a slob, Rob
13. Swallow that pill, Will
14. Dig your own grave, Dave
15. Hitchhike, Mike (not the same Mike mentioned earlier)
16. Act like a dick, Rick
17. Act like a ho, Joe
18. Play smooth jazz, Chaz
19. Cross from your list her kiss, Chris
20. Choke on a slice of naan, Dan
21. Don’t answer her call, Paul
22. Send her a text, Rex(t)
23. Walk out the door, Dudley Moore
24. Come up with a scheme, Hakeem
25. Pull out your teeth, Keith
26. Run down the block, Barack
27. Don’t be a coward, Howard
28. Just leave, Steve
29. Tell her you’re gay, Ray
30. Go insane, Wayne
31. Chop off your feet, Pete*
32. Send a telegram, Cam
33. Fly off in a balloon, Augustus
34. Join a caravan, Dan
35. Be an adult and discuss the problems in the relationship and if either of you believe they cannot be reasonably worked out then go, Beau
36. Zoom away on a motorcycle, Michael (not to be confused with the two Mikes mentioned earlier)
37. Hide out on a barge, Sarge
38. Take a large ship, Pip
39. Paddle away in a kayak, person whose name rhymes with kayak
40. Just use some skis, Rhys
41. Take an escalator, Darth Vader
42. Use a drone, Mr. Cohn
43. Leave using wagons, Bilbo Baggins
44. Don’t be a putz, Lutz
45. Don’t try to rhyme, Leonid
*Be mindful that not having feet will make it difficult to leave.

Today Paul Simon turns 73. In his honor, government buildings are closed today. Today’s playlist is a mix of some of his hits plus lesser-known gems.

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Ringo + DHJO 2014-10-11 19.40

The Best Things In Life

The best things in life:
Hitchcock movies
Laughter
Mint chocolate chip ice cream
The music presented in this blog
Avenue Q
Satellite radio
Good sex
Freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies
Your kiss
Annie Hall
Love
West Side Story
Vegetable Samosa
A good hair day
True friends
DVR
Hot chocolate on a cold winter day
Unsolicited praise
A good night’s sleep
Chris Rock’s stand-up
My doggies
The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Let me know if I’m missing any big ones.

Ringo + DHJO 2014-10-11 19.40
Today is the 68th birthday of Daryl Hall. Here are twenty of his best.

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Ringo + Rose Royce 2014-10-10 11.27

It’s Friday And I Need To Dance!

My plan was for today’s blog post to be a rant. Since 2011, over 80 pedestrians in West Hollywood have been hit by cars while in crosswalks. Three of them were killed. This city’s solution? Put signs on the side of the street that read “PEDESTRIAN SAFETY ZONE.” Oh, you mean we’re not supposed to run down pedestrians? Thanks for the heads up! Is there a sign when the zone ends so I can go back to business as usual?

Meanwhile, pedestrians walking on the sidewalk get run down by bicyclists. The city created bike lanes on Santa Monica Blvd., but many bicyclists prefer to ride on the sidewalk. It’s illegal, but WeHo doesn’t enforce many of its laws. I spoke to one of our city councilmembers about this, and she said they have no intention of enforcing that law or the leash laws or replacing burnt out bulbs in streetlights.

But you know what? I don’t feel like ranting. It’s Friday, and I need to dance.

Ringo + Rose Royce 2014-10-10 11.27
This week’s dance playlist kicks off with Rose Royce’s “Car Wash,” which gives the sage advice that a car wash “ain’t no place to be if you planned on bein’ a star.” Now you know.

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Winston + Lennon 2014-10-09 14.11

John Lennon + Winston Schwartz

I love my doggie Winston, though he often reminds me of Veda Pierce.

Veda Pierce is the daughter of the titular character of 1941 James M. Cain novel Mildred Pierce, which was turned into a movie starring Joan Crawford in 1945 and into a miniseries starring Kate Winslet in 2011. Veda manipulates people to get what she wants. So does Winston. Mildred works hard and provides Veda and her younger sister Ray with nice things, but it is never enough for Veda. Winston and his brother Ringo get treats after our morning walk, any time I leave the home without them, while I’m eating my lunch, after our afternoon walk and after our evening walk, in addition to two meals each day in which I mix dry kibble with freshly-baked food from the dog restaurant a few blocks down, but that is not enough for Winston. When I bring the doggies to visit the pet shop next door (every other day), he puts on a face to the employees there that says “Glenn never feeds me. Have some pity on a poor, hungry dog.” Each employee there plies him with treats.

No matter how much Mildred does for her, Veda is never satisfied. I feel that way when we get into bed at night. I read before turning in. Winston looks at me with a face that says “Put down that book and turn out the light. I want to sleep.” He’ll stretch out and somehow take up the whole bed, though he weighs only 15 pounds.

SPOILER ALERT: Mildred comes home one day to find Veda in bed with Mildred’s husband. I can see that happening to me. I’ll come home one day and find Winston cuddling with my husband, who will be played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Though at times Winston reminds me of Veda, that amounts to maybe ninety minutes out of the day. For the other twenty-two and a half hours Winston is well-behaved. Aside from pulling me on our walks, he doesn’t do anything bad or wrong. During my afternoon naps he makes the best cuddle buddy. When I come home he greets me at the door with a big smile and his tail wagging. He doesn’t try to steal my food. He plays with his brother, Ringo. Twenty-two and a half out of twenty-four hours he is loving and affectionate. I dream of getting that great a ratio from Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Winston + Lennon 2014-10-09 14.11Winston didn’t want to pose for this photo. What a Veda!

Today is the birthday of Winston’s namesake, John Winston Lennon. His post-Beatles music just hit Spotify this week. Here are twenty tunes to get you started.

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doggies + Radio Head 2014-10-07 11.09

Precious and Phew! (And Radiohead)

I need to do more cardio. I am presently at 19% body fat, which is fine compared to the general population, but in the gay world that makes me Precious.

I like doing cardio. I made a great workout playlist (lots of Robyn, Prince, The Partridge Family and Pet Shop Boys) and I have excellent headphones. I invested in a pair of Bose Quiet Comfort noise-cancelling headphones. When I have them on all other sounds are blocked, so I can get lost in “When Doves Cry” or “I Think I Love You” and not be distracted by people asking me how much longer I’ll be on the elliptical or by the music the gym pumps, which is often Enrique Iglesias and Pitbull. I can’t listen to Pitbull for health reasons. I’m lactose-intolerant.

The headphones are great on planes as well. I recently flew to New York and boy, are my arms tired from throwing them in the air to the rhythms of my great travel playlist (lots of Beatles, Gladys Knight & the Pips, Bay City Rollers and Pet Shop Boys). Even with the volume relatively low I couldn’t hear the plane engines or the hysterical woman next to me.

She seemed fine when the plane took off, but at some point when I was lost in “Paperback Writer” or “Midnight Train to Georgia” or “Rock and Roll Love Letter” or “Go West” she lost her shit. I only noticed because a flight attendant tapped me to see if I’d like to buy some crackers (as if I could afford those extra calories!). When I pulled off the headphones to say “What?,” I heard my fellow passenger crying hysterically to two other flight attendants, between sobs saying “I’ve got to get off this plane. Now!” They tried to calm her down, even offering her free crackers, but she retained enough of her wits to point out that crackers do not alleviate a fear of heights or enclosed spaces. She went into the bathroom and everyone sitting in the last seven rows could hear her screaming. It was very sad – nobody else had noise-cancelling headphones so they had to endure her hysterics. I put my pair back over my ears. “S-A T-U-R D-A-Y night!”

doggies + Radio Head 2014-10-07 11.09The only Radiohead I have on vinyl

One group not on my workout playlist but on my travel playlist is Radiohead. (How’s that for a segue?) Did you know they got their name from a Talking Heads song? Yep. Today is the birthday of lead singer Thom Yorke, who released a new solo album, Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes, last month. Today’s playlist consists of twenty songs not on that album.

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elva

Meet Mrs. Miller!

In 2008 Rolling Stone published their list of the 100 Greatest Singers of All-Time. At #1 was Aretha Franklin. No argument here. She has a voice and she knows how to use it effectively. Her range, her passion, her vocal variety, her phrasing, her confidence and her power are what other artists should aspire to replicate. When you hear Aretha Franklin, you know it’s her, even if you’ve never heard that particular recording before.

The rest of the top ten included Ray Charles, Elvis Presley, Sam Cooke, John Lennon, Marvin Gaye, Otis Redding, Stevie Wonder, James Brown and Bob Dylan. I’ve heard people argue against that last one. They’re wrong. Dylan may not possess a stereotypically beautiful voice, but he is a great singer. Nobody else sounds like him. When you hear Bob Dylan, you know it’s him, even if you’ve never heard that particular recording before.

Missing from this 100 Greatest list is Mrs. Miller. Born Elva Connes in 1907, she became Mrs. Miller in 1934 when she married a Mr. Miller. In 1966, Capitol Records released her major label debut, Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits. Like Aretha, Mrs. displayed passion, power and confidence in her material. When you hear Mrs. Miller, you know it’s her, even if you’ve never heard that particular recording before, which chances are you haven’t.

elva
All the qualities that make Mrs. Miller unique can be heard on her first charting single, a cover of Petula Clark’s “Downtown,” which reached #82 on Billboard’s Hot 100. Her vibrato, her soaring soprano, the way she sings “always” in the song’s first line, the way she sings ahead of the beat on the line “no finer place for sure” in the first go-round of the chorus, the way she sings ahead of the beat on the first line of the second verse, the way she sings ahead of the beat on the bridge after the third verse, when she laughs while singing “waiting for you tonight” in the second go-round of the chorus. And then there’s her whistling solo. In a word, wow!

As was often the case with The Beatles, Elvis Presley and Creedence Clearwater Revival, the b-side of the “Downtown” single, Mrs.’ version of The Toys’ “A Lover’s Concerto,” also made Billboard’s Hot 100, peaking at #95. Again we’re transfixed by her vibrato, her hitting notes that had never been written and the way she sings ahead of the beat on the final verse. And then there’s her scatting like Ella Fitzgerald. Well, maybe not like Ella Fitzgerald. In a word, wow!

Her voice leant itself equally well to rock and roll, pop, country, and show tunes. She probably would have mastered rap as well. On her cover of Chuck Berry’s “Memphis,” she ditches her usual soprano to speak the words in a lower register. Her whistling solo is in its usual range, however.

Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits sold 250,000 copies in its first three weeks of release. She made television appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and Ed Sullivan. She sang at The Hollywood Bowl. She performed alongside Bob Hope for US troops in Vietnam. That she is all but forgotten today is a shonda.

Rolling Stone’s list of The 100 Greatest Singers Of All-Time is terrific, but someone should be bumped (cough cough Mariah Carey cough cough) to make room for Mrs. Miller. Her distinctive sound, her enthusiasm and her ability to transform any song into a Mrs. Miller song make her one of the greats. The fact that she didn’t have her first chart single until age 58 inspires me.

If Mrs. Miller were still alive she’d be celebrating her 107th birthday today. She isn’t so she won’t be, but Tunes du Jour celebrates her craft with ten of her finest.

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Big_Love_single

It’s Friday And I Need To Dance!

Ebola is now in the US. Isis is on its way. Unarmed civilians are getting shot by law enforcement officials. Civil wars, mass kidnappings, volcanoes, a new Lenny Kravitz album. It’s a scary world!

I got my flu vaccination earlier this week, so I have one less thing to worry about. There is a movement against the flu vaccine, but the flu is mighty unpleasant and can lead to death. I’d rather go on living and enjoying my life with a little mercury in my system than deal with chills, fever, a runny nose, a sore throat, muscle pains, a severe headache, coughing, and/or fatigue. If I wanted to be in that much pain I’d listen to the new Lenny Kravitz album.

Though I get my flu shot every year, the needle always scares me. This year the doctor used a very small needle. I barely felt it and I’m happy to say I suffered no side effects. I feel great and energized, which is great because it’s Friday and I need to dance.

Big_Love_singleThe cover art can be obtained from Warner Bros. Records.

We’ll kick off this week’s dance playlist with the only Fleetwood Mac song to make the US dance chart, “Big Love.” The track was written, co-produced and sung by FM’s Lindsey Buckingham, who turns 65 today.

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doggies + Police

This Is Not A Love Song!

While riding the subway one day in 1987 I saw a woman sitting on the seat next to the pole onto which I was holding. In her lap was a notepad on which was written across the top “Songs for Wedding Reception.” The first song listed was Jody Watley’s “Looking for a New Love.” I saw a divorce lawyer in her future.

“Looking for a New Love” is a fine song, and it was a big hit that year, but at your wedding reception? It’s not like the lyrics could be misunderstood. “I’m looking for a new love, baby / A new love / Yeah yeah yeah.”

I could understand if she had written down the title of R.E.M.’s hit from that year, “The One I Love.” A casual listener may hear “This one goes out to the one I love,” missing the description of this person as “a simple prop to occupy my time.” I love this song and the Jody Watley song, but neither will get played at my wedding reception.

In 1997 I was dating Dr. Leon, the Russian dentist. The Cardigans’ “Lovefool” came on the radio and he told me he loves the song. “So do I,” I replied.

“You? But you’re so unromantic? How could you like such a romantic song?”

First of all, I’m very romantic, so up yours Dr. Leon. I wouldn’t play “Looking for a New Love” at my wedding reception. Secondly, “Lovefool” is a romantic song? “Fool me, fool me / Go on and fool me / Love me, love me / Pretend that you love me.” To quote The Magnetic Fields, how fucking romantic.

I don’t know what the subway woman selected as her wedding song. Maybe it was “Every Breath You Take,” a popular choice for that honor. It’s something that amuses the song’s writer, Sting. He wrote it after splitting with his wife, and calls it “a nasty little song, really rather evil. It’s about jealousy and surveillance and ownership.” Mazel tov!

Some other songs that may not be appropriate for your wedding:
“Best of My Love” by Eagles. “You see it your way, and I see it mine, and we both see it slipping away.”

“Cherish” by The Association. “Perish is the word that more than applies / To the hope in my heart each time I realize / That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams”

“I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston or Dolly Parton. “If I should stay, I’ll only be in your way / So I’ll go”

doggies + Police
Today Sting turns 63 years old. We kick off our playlist with “Every Breath You Take” by The Police, from their album Synchronicity. It was the band’s fifth and final album. After that record’s success the group, like many of those who had “Every Breath You Take” as their wedding song, split up. Sting was never heard from again.

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