Your (Almost) Daily Playlist: 12-9-22

Today’s playlist celebrates the December 9 birthdays of Portishead’s Geoff Barrow, Green Day’s Tre Cool, Joan Armatrading, Jessie Hill, Cybotron’s Juan Atkins, The Osmonds’ Donny Osmond, Uffie, Imogen Heap, Donald Byrd, Dan Hicks, Sylvia, and Neil Innes; and the December 10 birthdays of Commodores’ Walter Orange, The White Stripes’ Meg White, Dinosaur Jr.’s J Mascis, Placebo’s Brian Molko, Paul Hardcastle, Kyu Sakamoto, Peter Sarstedt, Wang Chung’s Jack Hues, Chad & Jeremy’s Chad Stuart, and Teyana Taylor.

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Top 105 Songs Of 2019

My favorite song of 2019 came out in 2016. Like most people, I slept on Lizzo’s “Good as Hell” upon its initial release three years ago. I also slept on her “Truth Hurts,” my #4 song of 2019, when it was released in 2017. Lizzo’s first track to make Glenn’s Ten was “Boys,” which hit #1 in July 2018, just two months before my favorite 2019 artist after Lizzo, Billie Eilish, made her Glenn’s Ten debut with “You Should See Me in a Crown.” Eilish’s “Bad Guy” is my #3 song of this year, breaking up Lizzo’s hold on the top four. L-to-the-izzo’s “Juice,” my #2 song of 2019, debuted on Glenn’s Ten on January 12, kicking off 49 consecutive weeks with at least one Lizzo track in my top ten, 22 of those weeks at #1. I’m sure both of those are records, something I would confirm if I weren’t too lazy to look it up.

At #5 for the year sits the only artist in my year end top ten who made their Glenn’s Ten debut in 2019, Megan Thee Stallion. (Megan’s her real first name; Thee is not her actual middle name and Stallion is not on her birth certificate. I’m a Megan Thee Stallion truther.) On that hit, “Hot Girl Summer,” Megan T. Stallion is assisted by Nicki Minaj, who is also at #55 with a solo number, and Ty Dolla $ign (Ty is short for Tyrone, his real first name; Dolla is not his actual middle name and $ign is not on his birth certificate. I’m a Ty Dolla $ign truther.), who is also at #100 assisting Kehlani. If you need assistance, call Ty D. $ign.

The remainder of the top ten boasts career bests for 21 Savage, Ariana Grande, Teyana Taylor, and Vince Staples, plus the first Glenn’s Ten entry for Vampire Weekend since 2013. Other Glenn’s Ten veterans making appearances this year include Bruce Springsteen, Liz Phair, Beck, Missy Elliott, Morrissey, Beyoncé, Rufus Wainwright, Smokey Robinson (yes, Smokey Robinson!), and Belle & Sebastian. Recent favorites such as Courtney Barnett, Cardi B, Grimes, Christine and the Queens, Robyn, Miranda Lambert, 21 Savage, BROCKHAMPTON, First Aid Kit, Chance the Rapper, Angel Olsen, The National and Kacey Musgraves are represented as well.

Enough blather. Here is my top 105 songs (5 by Lizzo, 100 by others, though one of those others with an assist from Lizzo) of 2019:

  1. Good as Hell – Lizzo
  2. Juice – Lizzo
  3. bad guy – Billie Eilish
  4. Truth Hurts – Lizzo
  5. Hot Girl Summer – Megan Thee Stallion featuring Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign
  6. WTP – Teyana Taylor
  7. FUN. – Vince Staples
  8. thank u, next – Ariana Grande
  9. Harmony Hall – Vampire Weekend
  10. A Lot – 21 Savage
  11. bury a friend – Billie Eilish
  12. Land of the Free – the Killers
  13. Before I Let Go – Beyoncé
  14. Keep the Change – Mattiel
  15. Blame It on Your Love – Charli XCX featuring Lizzo
  16. Drogba (Joanna) – Afro B
  17. Hot Shower – Chance the Rapper featuring MadeinTYO & DaBaby
  18. Rainbow – Kacey Musgraves
  19. Wedding Bell Blues – Morrissey
  20. Trip – Ella Mai
  21. Tempo – Lizzo featuring Missy Elliott
  22. Almeda – Solange
  23. Melody of Love – Hot Chip
  24. Anybody – Burna Boy
  25. Young Republicans – Lower Dens
  26. Motivation – Normani
  27. Throw It Back – Missy Elliott
  28. People – The 1975
  29. Rylan – The National
  30. Doin’ Time – Lana Del Rey
  31. BOY BYE – BROCKHAMPTON
  32. Hello Sunshine – Bruce Springsteen
  33. Summer Girl – HAIM
  34. Good Side – Liz Phair
  35. Saw Lightning – Beck
  36. Fukk Sleep – A$AP Rocky featuring FKA twigs
  37. It’s Not Living (If It’s Not with You) – The 1975
  38. Binz – Solange
  39. Something Keeps Calling – Raphael Saadiq featuring Rob Bacon
  40. This Life – Vampire Weekend
  41. wish you were gay – Billie Eilish
  42. My Type – Saweetie
  43. Sing Along – Sturgill Simpson
  44. Now I’m In It – HAIM
  45. Oh What a World – Kacey Musgraves
  46. Lark – Angel Olsen
  47. Sister Buddha – Belle & Sebastian
  48. Uneventful Days – Beck
  49. I’ve Been Waiting – Lil Peep & ILoveMakonnen featuring Fall Out Boy
  50. Love Yourself  – Sufjan Stevens
  51. Nothing Breaks Like a Heart – Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus
  52. Drip Too Hard – Lil Baby featuring Gunna
  53. Ibtihaj – Rapsody featuring D’Angelo & GZA
  54. Cuz I Love You – Lizzo
  55. Megatron – Nicki Minaj
  56. It All Comes out in the Wash – Miranda Lambert
  57. Sunflower – Vampire Weekend featuring Steve Lacy
  58. Blaxploitation – Noname
  59. Hurry on Home – Sleater-Kinney
  60. Western Stars – Bruce Springsteen
  61. Seventeen – Sharon Van Etten
  62. Crazy Classic Life – Janelle Monae
  63. Unshaken – D’Angelo
  64. 7 Rings – Ariana Grande
  65. Way Too Pretty for Prison – Miranda Lambert with Maren Morris
  66. Hey Brother (Do Unto Others) – The Family Daptone
  67. Earth – Lil Dicky
  68. Make It Better – Anderson .Paak featuring Smokey Robinson
  69. Lo/Hi – the Black Keys
  70. Tarantula – Beck
  71. all the good girls go to hell – Billie Eilish
  72. Trouble in Paradise – Rufus Wainwright
  73. The greatest – Lana Del Rey
  74. Ordinary Pleasure – Toro y Moi
  75. Twerk – City Girls featuring Cardi B
  76. Ever Again – Robyn
  77. BLACKJACK – Aminé
  78. Red Bull and Hennessy – Jenny Lewis
  79. I BEEN BORN AGAIN – BROCKHAMPTON
  80. Money – Cardi B
  81. Brown Skin Girl – Beyoncé, SAINt JHN, WizKid and Blue Ivy
  82. Fucking Crazy – Robert Ellis
  83. Eye in the Wall – Perfume Genius
  84. sad day – FKA twigs
  85. Between the Lines – Robyn
  86. Nothing Is Safe – clipping.
  87. Redesigning Women – the Highwomen
  88. Tell Me (Doko Mien) – Ibibio Sound Machine
  89. Sofia – Clairo
  90. With My Whole Heart – Sufjan Stevens
  91. Go – the Black Keys
  92. Turn the Light – Karen O and Danger Mouse
  93. Fortune – Wye Oak
  94. holy terrain – FKA twigs featuring Future
  95. Young Enough – Charly Bliss
  96. Everybody Here Hates You – Courtney Barnett
  97. Gone – Charli XCX featuring Christine and the Queens
  98. Everyday – Weyes Blood
  99. Capacity – Charly Bliss
  100. Nights Like This – Kehlani featuring Ty Dolla $ign
  101. No Bullets Spent – Spoon
  102. Gonna Love Me – Teyana Taylor feat. Ghostface Killa, Method Man & Raekwon
  103. My Name Is Dark – Grimes
  104. Sociopath – Pusha T featuring Kash Doll
  105. Strange Beauty – First Aid Kit

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The Ultimate Christmas Playlist

Today is the day after Thanksgiving here in the United States of America. You’re officially allowed to start listening to holiday music now. To get you started, I compiled a playlist of what I consider to be 100 of the best Christmas songs. Okay, 98 songs, a stand-up routine and a skit. It’s a mix of standards, versions of standards with which you may not be familiar, and obscure but delightful tunes.

Enjoy!

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An Atheist Jew’s Guide To Christmas Music, Part 1

Raised Jewish, I celebrated Hanukkah. For several years, my family also celebrated Christmas. We didn’t go to midnight mass, we didn’t drink egg nog, we didn’t throw a special type of log in the fireplace. (By the way, I have no idea what makes a Yule log yuley). We put tinsel and candy canes on a large potted plant my mother had in the den and bought each other small but practical gifts. For example, when I was 11 for Christmas my parents got me a salt shaker. The Christmas celebrations stopped after I innocently told Grandpa Mordechai about them. My parents were so angry with me they took away my salt shaker.

Though I no longer celebrate Christmas, I still have a major jones for Christmas music. I own many more Christmas records than any atheist Jew probably should. We’re talking in the hundreds.

I eschew Christmas classics performed by well-known middle-of-the-road acts such as Celine Dion, Michael Bublé, Kenny G (sell-out Jew), Neil Diamond (sell-out Jew) or Barbra Streisand (sell-out Jew). Frank Sinatra shows up only in a duet with Cyndi Lauper and Bing Crosby shows up only in his duet with David Bowie.

Including the Crosby/Bowie version, I have 15 renditions of “The Little Drummer Boy” in my iPod, by a diverse list of artists including Johnny Cash, The Temptations, Joan Jett, Bob Dylan, Iggy Pop and RuPaul.

I have ten versions of “Winter Wonderland,” and that’s not counting the cross-dressing parody “Walkin’ Round in Women’s Underwear,” not performed by RuPaul.

I have “Christmas in Hollis,” “Christmas in Harlem,” “Christmas in Washington,” “Christmastime in the LBC,” “Christmas in the City,” “Christmas in Heaven,” “Christmastime in Hell” and “Christmas at the Zoo.”

I have Christmas songs by most of my favorite artists of all-time, including The Beatles, Prince, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Stevie Wonder, R.E.M., Elvis Presley, The White Stripes, Kanye West, Ike and Tina Turner, Chuck Berry, and Radiohead.

Some Christmas songs aren’t Christmas songs at all. “Frosty the Snowman,” “Let It Snow Let it Snow Let It Snow” and “Winter Wonderland” don’t mention the baby Jesus or Santa Claus or presents or a bullied reindeer with a skin ailment.

Some of the Christmas songs I have are a bit odd. “I Found the Brains of Santa Claus,” a smooth jazz version of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” C3PO and R2D2 singing “Sleigh Ride.” I have Liberace reciting “Twas the Night Before Christmas,” though his version doesn’t hold a candle to Aretha Franklin’s version, in which the Queen of Soul took a few liberties with the words: “A bundle of gifts he had and what did I get? / As I squealed, opening the package, the same old shit!” Her lyrics are downright Disneyesque compared to Snoop Dogg’s reading of the famous poem. If you’re interested, Google the lyrics because I’m not going to print them here.

I have John Denver singing “Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas).” Verse one opens with a couplet for the arithmetically-challenged: “Just last year when I was only seven / Now I’m almost eight you can see.” Santa needs to bring John some flashcards. The next two lines create a holiday image that is less Norman Rockwell and more John Waters: “You came home at quarter past eleven / And fell down underneath the Christmas tree.” Someone needs to get him to a 12-step group. He can attend a meeting with the title character of Fishbone’s “Slick Nick, You Devil You,” who came down the chimney with a keg of brew and spilled Jack Daniels all over the drapes.

I have Sarah Silverman singing “Give the Jew Girl Toys,” in which she taunts Santa by singing “You have a list / Well, Schindler did to / Liam Neeson played him / Tim Allen played you.”

Then there’s the classic “Fairtytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl, which evokes the holiday spirit with the line “You scumbag, you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot,” something yelled at me every year by those Salvation Army Santas.

Better still is “Macarena Christmas.” I LOVE “Macarena” and I’m betting you do to though you probably won’t admit it. “Macarena Christmas” celebrates the birth of our lord and savior Baby Macarena by taking the chorus from the hit single and uncleverly inserting it repeatedly into a medley of Christmas songs, so it goes “Joy to the world, the Lord has come / Da le a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena, Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa Buena / Da le a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena / Eeeeeh, Macarena – ay / Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way.” Sound effects of what sounds like an infant with the hiccups are thrown in. It makes no sense, y me gusta mucho.

My favorite holiday album and one of the greatest all-time albums period is Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift for You, featuring tracks he produced for The Ronettes, The Crystals, Darlene Love and Bob B. Soxx and The Blue Jeans. Every cut on it is classic and can be enjoyed by the whole family, except Grandpa Mordechai.